With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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