i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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