How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
