I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she pinky promised me she was 18
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
