I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
