We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
