my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i love accidental penises.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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