My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
