When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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