Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
