That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
