hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
