i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I had to cum in my sink.
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