I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
