Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
