The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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