her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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