im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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