your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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