He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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