I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
