The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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