The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
