im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
