It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I am one with the molecules
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
