i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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