So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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