Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
