Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
