This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
