Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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