I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
