Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
