M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's blow job season.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
