So drunk its hurt
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
