Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
