What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
