I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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