I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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