We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
