I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
