who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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