The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
