I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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