Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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