I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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