the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
