If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
