I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
