I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
