You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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