Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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